One day while at work it became so clear to me.
All my life I have fought to be me. Fought to be who - I - wanted to be. Look and dress the way that I want to. Demand others to treat me the way I want to be treated and know that I am never going to be what any one else wants me to be. I have ended relationships with friends and lovers/ husbands/ boyfriends that did not serve me. That were toxic to me in some way or another. So how in my 41 years of life have I been so brazen with all these relationships but the one relationship that literally is the biggest part of my day, every day? How did I miss that the place that I have spent approximately 24,960 hours of my life at is the most toxic relationship I have ever had. My place of employment. Then it hit me. If my job was my boyfriend, I would have dumped him LONG ago.
So when this sadness hit me, like a huge brick wall, I realized that I needed to find what it was that brought me joy. So I thought about it one day about the things that I love.
The list looked a lot like this:
1. Kids - Well not all kids but a lot of them are cool and specifically mine are way awesome.
4. Chocolate- but we are trying to be healthier so no to working at Hershey's
5. Ghost and the Paranormal (This is another job I have but the pay stinks)
6. Want to actually serve others
Then I thought about the things that I really disliked:
1. Missing out on my kid's stuff
2. Being around negative people and situations all the time
3. Depending on other people to get my job done
4. Feeling like I am not appreciated for my hard work.
5. Always feeling like I carry a lot more weight than what my title would assume
6. No chance in making more money at what I currently do.
7. People really hate "me" and even when I do help, they still hate me
So all these things plus more were making me crazy. I remember my mom had this friend who loved her job. She is a massage therapist and she said to me one day about 15 year ago that I would be an awesome Massage Therapist. I remember though the thought that came to me when she said that was ... Oh no... you have to touch people and I am not much into touching people. However, I saw that there was this workshop that a massage school was having. If I sign up then my book fee is waived. If I hate it then I just invested $100.00 and 4 hours of my life into something that maybe I can use on my boyfriend later to make him think I am awesome. I should also mention never in my life had I ever had a massage. Well not a professional one anyway. I just had the occasional shoulder rub. I soon saw though that my life was about to be forever changed from this workshop.
So, as the instructor talks I suddenly get energy rolling over me and I start to tear up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! This is what I am thinking. I am over there trying to be discreet and not look like some weirdo tearing up at the whole... "Welcome to our massage therapy workshop". I knew though. I knew that was my sign that I was in the right place to do the right thing. I am supposed to be a massage therapist and I am supposed to help others in this way.